Rules for Women in Romantic Comedies

I love romantic comedies, and even though it seems like there’s been a string of not-so-great flicks lately, I’ve gobbled them up happily. Except Because I Said So, which was excruciating. But the newest offering, Music and Lyrics, was witty, fun and just plain adorable. Predictable along with a few of the usual clichés? Maybe so, but still.

It did get me thinking about some of the apparent rules that govern nearly every woman in this type of movie today. Here are a few I’ve noticed:

1. Voicemail? No way. Have a clunky old-fashioned answering machine so you can come home after a hard day's work, push the button, and hear it loudly proclaim "you have NO messages."
2. Speaking of phones, Caller ID is for wusses. Be sure to have phones without it. Whether it's Mr. Right or The Guy Who Broke Your Heart, it's important to be surprised whenever you answer the phone.
3. Get ridiculously drunk the night before? No hangover worries! You'll wake up with a horrible pain in your forehead that lasts for about five seconds, then you'll be good to go for the day.
4. Even though you have the dream job that can only pay peanuts, you will live in a gorgeous, well-appointed condo or bungalow.
5. Either your parents are obnoxious and way too heavily involved in your life, or they’re dead. Sorry.
6. If you wear glasses, no one is going to know you’re smoking hot until you remove them.
7. A man with major allergies is obnoxious and undateable. A woman with major allergies is uptight and conniving. Avoid.
8. Red flags you will not notice: 1) He orders your food for you. 2) His home is professionally decorated in a stark, minimalist theme. 3) He wears even one piece of jewelry.
9. If you have a few drinks, you'll probably black out and have sex with the hottie. When you wake up with him, one or both of you will have no clue if you slept together. Never mind the obvious telltale signs that would normally make it pretty clear if you did. Sorry, but you just won't know.
10. If you go out for Indian food, your date will be ruined as soon as you exit the restaurant. I don't want to get into details, but adjectives like "gurgling" and "explosive" are involved.
11. It's not creepy at all when you get pass-out drunk and a guy you barely know carries you home, flops you on your bed and tenderly strips the nearly-unconscious you of most of your clothing. Sometimes he'll even avert his eyes in a most gentlemanly way and he might even put pajamas on you. It's sweet and caring, right? I mean, you can't sleep in your clothes, nuh uh!
12. Rules for the first kiss: He will kiss you. You jump back, surprised, maybe even angry. Seconds later, overcome, you will go in for the second kiss. Immediately after, you will sleep together.
13. Find yourself without any clothes the morning after? His king-size bed sheet or comforter will wrap easily around your size 0 body. You'll be able to walk around during that awkward "whoops, we did it!" conversation with grace. Really.
14. When you show up on his doorstep unannounced, you will not notice that he clearly has someone inside he doesn’t want you to see. The only way you will know is when, after a minute or two of strained conversation, he inches the door open to reveal a sliver of shirtless chest or he darts a furtive look behind him.
15. It will probably only rain after you’ve broken up with someone.
16. And after the break up, your official look will involve an oversized, ratty sweatshirt, probably gray. And very little, if any, makeup. But you’ll still look adorable.
17. Say you're surfing the net with ease when an accidental XXX site pops up. This will render you suddenly unable to use the computer. You'll probably be stabbing frantically at the keys and hollering "close!" when someone calls or walks in and gets *gasp* the wrong idea.
18. You’ll say every word out loud while typing a message to someone on your computer.
19. If something fishy happens, your dog will look at you quizzically along with a questioning Tim “The Toolman” Taylor whimper. You will not find this strange—or remarkably brilliant—at all.